“Discipline”

I don’t do “discipline.”

I used to think that I needed to be disciplined (notice where the agency lies) because, when left to my own devices (am I an infant?), I’d never do anything.

I believed that someone of Authority should tell me what to do +  when, and how. Then I’d do it and, after that, TA DA!

I’d write more, write better, and accept these conditions as the only ones capable of producing that work. I’d believe that I needed the discipline to write. 

It sounds a lot like the conversation around inspiration; except now, instead of waiting for inspiration to strike, we rely on a person to impose their rules upon us (notice the agency there), then wait for ourselves to have internalized those rules enough to “become” disciplined.

Let me be super fair here: 

I think we’re looking for a feeling of safety and assurance that there’s a path or a way to accomplish the thing we want.

Sometimes we create that by studying people who are doing the thing and imitating their process.

At face value, that’s maybe fine, but it becomes a problem when their highly-individualized process doesn’t fit into our own lives.

We then believe we’re failing at Being A Writer when what we’re actually failing at is Being Someone Else--which is really just winning at the game of Becoming Who You Are.

Sometimes we want the certainty that discipline seems to offer, but discipline--the bastard child of white supremacist capitalism, patriarchy, and ableism--does not allow humanity. 

As a former member of Team No Days Off & Every Calorie Counts, know that this is the same damn game--the team’s just wearing a different jersey. It keeps you hustling, distracted, depleted, and dehumanized.

I’ve been writing since always and I suffered through the process because I thought it was required to earn my right to self-expression through rigor and sweat.

Nope.

Suffering is not a prerequisite to creativity (h/t to Elizabeth Gilbert & Big Magic) and you never have to do what someone else does to earn your ticket to being who you are.

The road may not be paved & that’s okay because I think your feet were made for dirt roads and possibilities.

I think you are a trailblazer.